About this time last year–when I was looking back and reflecting on what I’d gotten done–I called 2015 “the best year yet.” I got so much done on the farm, I felt good, and, really, the most energizing thing about checking stuff off my list is that I didn’t spend 2015 mentally berating for not being able to check things off my list.
2016 was a different kind of year altogether. That quiet but insistent voice telling me “I’m not getting enough done” started in early spring and I’m honestly not sure I ever shook the feeling. After years and years of riding this wave– this highs of being “in the zone” with work and projects, and the lows where I don’t get nearly enough done (and spend a lot of time worrying that I’ll never feel energized or inspired again)– I have a few strategies to help get me through it. The biggest one is giving myself grace.
That doesn’t mean allowing myself excuses. And it’s not a matter of tallying up how much I’ve done (or weighing it against how much other people have or have not done) to make myself feel better. Giving myself grace often just means that I consciously change my internal dialogue from saying “this is where you should be” to “this is where you’re at, and that’s okay.”
And sometimes I try other strategies: I try to give myself quick wins (which occasionally backfires since almost all “small” projects in a 150 year old farmhouse become more complicated than they originally seem), I focus on things I know have given me energy in the past (sometimes that’s a physical challenge, or an interesting TED talk, or dancing around by myself to music I love), and sometimes I let myself indulge (I’ve DVD-marathoned all of Star Trek TNG and Voyager this year, and read 7 full books in the last two weeks.)
And sometimes? Absolutely none of that shit works.
Or maybe it all works, but not right away. Or not after Daylight Savings. Or not when things with my job are crazy. Or not when Mercury is in retrograde, which it obviously has been for all of this year. I don’t even know what fucking retrograde is, but I’m right there with you Mercury, I promise.
If I had to pick one word that described 2016 it would be this: Exhausting.
Which doesn’t mean it wasn’t full of so many great things. It was.
I finally put a greenhouse up in my garden (and got the wild half of it mostly tamed with raised beds and walkways):
I planted grapevines (and kept most of them alive) which has been on my list for longer than I’ve lived at this house:
My orchard grew with more apple, peach, and cherry trees…
I also finally started the kitchen renovation, which first mean a small laundry-room renovation…
And some time in the shop building cabinets on the fly. Drinking wine and being able to walk out to the shop and knock some kitchen cabinets together without so much as a napkin drawing to go off of is actually one of my very best memories from the year…
Also, sometime in there the film crew that created this awesome footage of life on the farm came back for a weekend, and I built these storage cubbies for my mudroom:
While I’m not moving forward with any specific film-related projects right now, I still have a ton of footage from that weekend (including a part where my dad shows up with some big guns and we blow up exploding targets out in the field, because dads) which at some point I’ll hack together into a video to show you guys.
Oh, and speaking of target practice, I also built this portable archery/axe-throwing target:
Just cause.
And upgraded a lot of the outdoor seating around the farm…
As well as some updates to the patio, like planters…
And a charcoal grill with a fun little pizza attachment (which allowed me to check “build a pizza oven” off my list for this year way quicker than I expected.)
Plus there were the usual farm shenanigans, like babies!
And, the inevitable losses, which I haven’t talked about as much. My one “special” chicken (who loved to be held, and didn’t mind taking a nap in my lap) was hit by a car– which is one of the risks of letting them free-range and they often find things across the street at my neighbors as interesting as they do here.
I also lost my original guinea pair. The male to a dog or other animal, and the mom wandered off one day (I assumed to sit on a nest)… that was a couple of months ago now, and she never came back.
However, they left a legacy in the 11 guineas who currently “guard” the property…
Mostly they just make a lot of noise, but my neighbors don’t mind and we’re all hoping they’ll earn their keep by eating all the ticks in spring.
And then, of course, there were the bees…
I’m still spending a lot of time reflecting on the loss of two of my hives.
If you factor that in with having friends and family up to the farm a few times this year…
And taking a weekend up north with some of my favorite people…
And picking up a few new “good for the body and the mind” hobbies, like learning to rock climb and slackline…
I mean, okay, no wonder I’ve felt nothing but straight fucking exhausted for the last twelve months. I certainly got things done, (and, yes, feel privileged that I even have the option to get those things done), but the hard part is that I don’t remember a time this year where I actually felt good about what I was getting done. (Well, okay, I felt good about getting the big barn organized, but other than that…)
It feels like I’ve had to mentally force myself to put one foot in front of the other all year– every project, every bit of progress, and sometimes just getting out of bed on the weekends– nothing came easy, and then writing about it didn’t come easy either.
And you know what? Some years are like that. Not horrible, and, in fact, full of a lot of good things, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t difficult.
That was 2016. Not horrible. Not personally or emotionally trying in the “I went through some really hard shit and just had to survive it” kind of way… I’ve had those years too, and this wasn’t one of them. 2016 was, at face value, full of a lot of good things that I am very grateful for. And, at the same time, looking back on the year fills me with the sense of “not enough.” You didn’t do enough. You didn’t do it well enough. You could have managed it better. You could have managed yourself better while getting it done.
But this is where I’m at, and that’s okay.
So long, 2016. I know you’ve paved the way for some great years to come…
Article reference So Long, 2016
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